Last week as I was finishing recording a live yoga practice I caught a glimpse of myself on video and thought, "Who are you?" I almost didn't recognize myself and this version of my body that I'm currently in. I had a moment (ok, maybe more than a moment if we are being totally honest) that I was disgusted with the way I looked. Nevermind the fact that I'm 8 months postpartum and exhausted from sleep deprivation, I just saw this version of myself and started tumbling down a dark and dangerous road that would inevitably lead to no where good.
So what did I do about it? Well, at first, nothing, I just kind of sat there in self pity and thought to myself, "Kim, you have to do better." Then I had this revelation that helped me turn my thoughts around. More on that in a second.
As you know, I talk about 'loving yourself and spreading kindness and positivity', but we all know how freaking hard it is to love ourselves sometimes. Over the last year and a half of being pregnant, having a baby, postpartum depression + healing and life just completely changing- I've had more moments than I care to remember of self sabotage, doubt, uncertainty and then guilt about the whole thing. It was a vicious cycle that just kept continuing until I barely recognized who I was. It wasn't until my family and close friends helped me climb back into the light that I began to truly heal my mind and body. Sometimes we just need that extra support, that we never want to admit we need, to help us climb back up into our true selves.
I wish that I could tell you it was a quick and easy healing, but we all know that is just too good to be true. This work I've been doing for myself has been hard and ugly sometimes, but mostly it's been beautiful and transforming. That circles me back to that moment I had talking to the version of myself I saw on video. Yes, I let myself go to that dark place for a brief moment but was then reminded of what a powerful woman I truly am!
I've grown 3 humans, fed 3 babies, supported my husband through his military career, and built a business all while running the household and managing all that life has to offer (especially right now). Although it isn't always graceful and pretty and neat, it is something spectacular none the less. So instead of staying in that place of sabotage and ugly words, I looked at myself through a different lens.
One of awe and pride that I was sitting there watching my strong body lead a yoga practice online, for a business I created, to support other women on their wellness journeys. I let the tears build as I told myself, "This version of my body is just a part of my journey right now and it will only make me stronger." I can tell you, this was new for me. But if I can inspire women to embrace their struggle of body image with grace and love, I will continue to spread my "mess"age.
Ladies, you are strong no matter what season you are in. Offer yourself love, and patience, and grace just like you would to your children or your best friend. And if you ever need a little push or encouragement to get you into a healthy mind space, I am here for you. Sometimes all we need is just a loving ear to listen.